So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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