you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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