glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
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Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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