Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
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How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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