Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
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Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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