Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
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I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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