I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
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how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
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Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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