Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
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Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
All the doctor said was why
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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