my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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