thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize