My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize