??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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