I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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