My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
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Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
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Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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