I cannot find my penis.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize