put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
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when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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