Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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