I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize