Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
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Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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