she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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