mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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