If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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