I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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