I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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