my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize