I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize