i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
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I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
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The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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