the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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