If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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