Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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