I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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