I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
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I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
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Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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