Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
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You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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