My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
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Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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