Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
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My ass is underappreciated
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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