I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
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But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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