It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize