I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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