Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Enjoy the penises
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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