I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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