alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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