my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
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WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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