dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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