so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
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Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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