Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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