If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
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I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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