Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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