Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
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It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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