There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
This is classic penis vs brain.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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