my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
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It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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